DFN

Trump expands war on things Americans voluntarily buy and consume

By Staff Writer WASHINGTON — Following several deadly strikes targeting small boats in the Caribbean which Trump has claimed — without evidence — to be ferrying drugs “that kill hundreds of thousands of Americans,” the administration has decided to broaden its scope. “We can’t stop at narcotics,” one senior official said during a press briefing. “We must go after all the things that are killing Americans.” The statement, delivered with the solemn gravity usually reserved for acts of war, marked the formal beginning of Operation Burger Buster, a sweeping effort to intercept any inbound product associated with premature death. “We’re not just talking about fentanyl,” the official continued. “We’re talking fries. We’re talking chalupas. We’re talking anything that clogs an artery, slows a heartbeat, or increases the nation’s collective BMI.” Naval patrols that once hunted Colombian and Venezuelan fishing vessels will soon pivot to what the Defense Department calls “high-calorie trafficking routes.” Analysts say they have seen a marked increase in cargo labeled “sodium,” “trans fats,” and “limited-time offers.” Critics argue that the administration’s new strategy overlooks a key economic principle: Americans keep buying the very things the government now proposes to destroy. “It’s a strange sort of patriotism,” said one Georgetown professor. “We’re killing people who are bringing us what we asked them for.” Still, enthusiasm in official circles remains high. A White House press release praised the moral clarity of the campaign: “Each year, hundreds of millions of Americans perish from preventable causes. By killing the supply sources, we’re protecting the demand sources.” Another senior official has confirmed reports that the administration has also carried out targeted assassinations of DoorDash delivery boys. “They're slow, low-hanging fruit, so why not?” said the official. For now, the nation watches as another front opens in America’s perpetual struggle against its own appetites — a conflict in which, once again, no one is sure which side they’re on.